Kicked out of Candyland

You know what sucks? Well, lots of things, but here are three:

Licorice

Yes, someone had to say it and I said it. This flavour has no place in our world. The only people who like licorice are over forty and have fond memories of going to the local grocery and buying a half pound bag of licorice pipes for 3 cents. Anything that looks and tastes like it should be shoe polish is not good candy.

The Choking Game

I'm can't believe I keep hearing on the news that a bunch of kids were rushed to a hospital because they tried to suffocate themselves. How stupid do you have to be? I don't know if nearly killing yourself gets you high, but what happened to the simpler days of stealing your parents alcohol or sniffing model airplane glue? If something like strangulation can be a craze, I think the next big thing sweeping the schools will be 'The Big Dip'. All you have to do is lie face down in a wading pool while two of your friends stand on your back. Nothing says, "I'm cool" like drowning or almost drowning.

Oral B Commercials

Not since the Fruit Roll-Up commercials have we seen such fantastical laboratory work like this. I don't mean to point the finger right at Oral B, because other toothbrush advertisers are guilty of the same stuff, but it's just ridiculous. Toothbrushes are not complicated tools, and I'm certain they are not designed in pristine white labs filled with glowing control panels and giant holograms. Last time I checked a toothbrush has no moving parts, isn't capable of breaking the sound barrier, and doesn't require a medical degree to operate. So let's stop tricking ourselves into thinking that dental care is constantly breaking new ground with science and engineering by having bristles that lean in different directions.