Tuition Well Spent

The Ice Fog Cometh

Upon checking the weather online earlier today I saw the current weather condition listed as "Ice Fog". Sounds dangerous, like the sort of thing you'd miss work over:

Ring ring

"Hello."

"Hello, Mr. Henderson. This is Carl. I'm calling to let you know that I will not be able to make it to work today."

"Is that so? Why's that?"

"Well ... I'm not sure if you've been watching the weather channel, but looks like we've got a case of Ice Fog rolling in."

"... And?"

"And that's why I can't come into work. It's treacherous outside, Mr. Henderson. I'll have to wait and see if this clears up."

"Carl, this is no excuse. Ice Fog is not dangerous, so be here for your shift."

"No excuse!? Do you even know what Ice Fog is!?"

" ... Not exactly. Isn't it just a freezing fog or something?"

"So, what you're saying is that you want me to risk my life out in that freezing mist of death, just because you can't recognize a threatening weather condition?"

"Now, Carl-"

"Would you want to go out for a stroll in something called Fire Fog? I bet you wouldn't! So what makes you think Ice Fog is any less dangerous?"

"But that's crazy, there's no such th-"

"Have you even looked out a window lately, Mr. Henderson? The visibility outside is a joke. I'd be lucky to get to the end of my driveway before sentient icicles tear me to shreds."

"What are you talking about? Sentient icicles?"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I was just speculating a bit. We can't be sure what kills you when you disappear into the icy white abyss of the Ice Fog. I mean, there's still a good chance that your blood simply freezes solid in your veins and your face shatters or something."

"Carl! I have no idea what you're going on about, but this conversation is over! Your shift starts in twenty minutes, and if you're not here, you'll be out of job."

"But Mr. Henderson!"

"What!?"

"I'm sorry I've overreacted a bit. But may we both be logical about this situation?"

" ... yes."

"Okay then, alright. So would you agree that the safety of your employees is important?"

"I would."

"And would you agree that you've already admitted that you have no idea what Ice Fog is?"

"Well, I think it's just some sort of frost-"

"Are you a meteorologist?"

"No."

"So you can't tell me exactly what Ice Fog is, or does?"

"Well no, but I know it's not dangerous!"

"How can you not know what something is, yet know something about it?"

"Uh..."

"Look, would you agree that icy conditions can be dangerous?"

"Of course they can be."

"And would you agree that not being able to see icy conditions is even more dangerous?"

"Well...yes. Absolutely."

"So ... if we are in agreement here, you want me to journey out into some unknown weather phenomenon that poses an obvious double threat? You believe there's nothing unsafe about me wandering out blindly into a slippery cold wasteland? Is that right?"

"Uh...Good lord! How will I get home?"

"Just stay calm, Mr. Henderson. As long as we stay indoors, I think it'll be alright. I'd stay away from the windows too."

"Oh God, oh God. My wife is out Christmas shopping. She may be caught right in the middle of it! I have to call her and warn her!"

"Yes, be sure to tell her not to breath the fog. It may turn her into a snowman."

"Good thinking. Stay safe, Carl."

"I will, Mr. Henderson. I will."

click

Thinking Outside the Box

Sometimes you see something on a regular basis and you lose sense of how weird it really is. Like litter boxes for example. Who was the first person to realize that a housecat would only do its business in a box filled with sand? Before litter boxes, were cats often found crapping at the beach, and that's how they put two and two together?

That's what's crazy about owning a cat. Not only do you get to buy sand for them to soil, you get to dig through the sand to find their leavings. And this whole thing about cats burying their droppings; how pathetic and untrue is that? Have you ever, in all honesty, seen a used litter box looking pristine? We'd all like to think cats are stealthy clever creatures who cover their tracks, but they are so sloppy and careless that they never actually cover up anything. Most of the time they just shuffle the dirt around, dig a moat for their "loaf", and track litter everywhere.

Tall Tales

Here's a question. Why are paperback books suddenly being produced taller than usual? You know what I mean? If you haven't noticed, next time you're in a book store observe how paperbacks are the same width, but now are 1/2 - 3/4 inch taller. It's a minor change, but enough to drive me positively nuts.

These new books don't feel right when you hold and read them. They're so tall and skinny that it feels like you're reading a thick pamphlet, or one of those greeting cards made to put money inside. For me, it's not aesthetically pleasing. Now books aren't going to properly fit in some bookshelves. Goddamn it.

I wish I knew the reason for this seemingly meaningless change. It must save on expenses somewhere. But for the consumer, books keep getting more expensive and taller. I want to see a price cut, and more importantly, let's get back to circumcising our books. It's just more hygienic.

Your Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the E.R.

Today I had my first visit to a gourmet hamburger "shoppe" called The Works, where I enjoyed a crazy burger topped with not only beets and pineapple, but a fried egg as well. All the stuff a growing boy needs.

Everyone at the table decided to get a milkshake and one friend selected a large. The waitress warned him that a "large" milkshake is ... quite large. But he would not be swayed.

The milkshake (or should I say, MILKSHAKE!!!?) arrived in a large glass measuring cup, a little more than a litre of sweet goodness. It was big.

How big was it?

It was so big that it required written permission from a doctor to order. It was so big that if you consumed it all a note was revealed at the bottom saying "call 911". It was so big that lifting it might shatter your wrist. It was so big that it came with an additional table to support it. It was so big that looking at it out of context you'd swear someone was making a triple batch of pancakes, or serving eggnog to a family of nine. It was so big that it may have been the equivalent of drinking an entire ice cream cake. It was so big that standing near it raised your blood sugar levels. It was so big that it was prepared in a cement truck.

Well, you get the idea.

Hogwash!!

H1N1, or as it's better known, "Media Shitstorm 2009", has really gotten out of control. I'm sick and tired of people carrying around hand sanitizers and sterilizing themselves every time they open a door. And I'm even more tired of each and every news day leading with stories about swine flu. We get it! There's a flu! Just practice good hygiene and don't cough on babies and old people if you become ill. You know ... the way you should behave with every flu season.

Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you that swine flu is not dangerous, because it is. Yet so is the regular old flu. You guys remember avian flu? That was a pretty big deal for a while. So was mad cow disease. So was Y2K. For months the media fear machine was full throttle for all of those things and had the public believing that at any moment the world was going to come crashing down on their heads. And what did everyone do? They ran out and bought flashlights, face masks, and anti-bird lasers.

Today I went to an office and spoke with a woman working there. I introduced myself and offered my hand, but she shrunk away and told me she wasn't going to shake hands on account of swine flu. I have to say I felt offended. It's not like I hobbled into her office covered with boils and sores while clutching a rag filled with my own phlegm.

I suppose people have a right to be cautious in these situations, but this woman had Lysol disinfecting wipes on her desk as well as hand sanitizing gel at the ready. The way I see it, she could have shook my hand like a reasonable courteous adult and then, if the fear of cooties overwhelmed her, sanitized her hands later.

All in all, I have to say that people need to quit living such frightened lives. People get sick from time to time, and that's just the way things happen. It's called your immune system and it's there for a reason. Stop watching the news and buying things out of fear, stop scrubbing yourself like your about to perform brain surgery, and stop cowering away from other people as if they were lepers. If you live in a perfect sterile bubble, that's the first and easiest thing to burst.