It's that time of year again. Time to watch the Academy Awards ... and throw out your Christmas tree if you haven't yet. And you should, because now it's a fire hazard.
For hundreds of years there were always 5 nominees for best picture. That seemed like a reasonable, solid amount. But then to stir shit up, they switched to 10 nominees. Kind of fun, but also pointless. 10 nominees instead of 5 just means more losers.
Now the procedure, as I understand, involves choosing some number of nominees from 5-10 based on what the academy feels is appropriate. So this year we have 9, which I think we can all agree is much more manageable than 10. So let's see which movies were selected. Spoilers!
The Descendants: Some people say George Clooney deserves to win best actor for looking especially old and upset in Hawaii. I say this movie is a paint by numbers somber family drama. I feel like I've seen it all before.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: Didn't see this movie because it didn't really grab my attention. I guess it wasn't quite loud or close enough, huh? Also, didn't this just come out like a week ago? Way to wait until the last minute, ELAIC.
The Help: Here's everything you need to know about this movie: a maid gets revenge on an evil bitch by tricking her into eating a pie made with shit. The more surprising part is that she is such a good cook that the evil woman doesn't realize what she's eating until she's told several times. Also, something about overcoming racism.
Hugo: Don't let the trailers fool you. This movie isn't about an automaton causing chaos in a train station. It's more about remembering and honoring the passion of classic cinema. It's also in 3D, which is a modern slap in the face to classic cinema. Okay, I saw this in the theater and it was very good, and the 3D looked good, but the gimmick wasn't essential to the experience, which is the case for basically every 3D movie I've seen. Most of the time you forget the film is in 3D until a character points something at the camera. Fun fact: This is Martin Scorsese's 11th movie with Sacha Baron Cohen.
Moneyball: Finally a movie that brings together the thrilling elements of baseball and math. If I could describe this movie in two words it would be "pleasantly mediocre".
Midnight in Paris: A very strange and charming film by Woody Allen that has elements of time travel. And get this, ... it takes place in Paris. You'll have to watch the film yourself to find out what time of day though.
The Tree of Life: I would have watched this movie, but was warned specifically by friends not to. From my understanding it's wicked long and artsy, like a painted wang. I guess it has dinosaurs in it, and Brad Pitt, but for some reason the movie isn't about Brad Pitt riding a dinosaur and fighting crime. So forget it.
War Horse: This movie is the epic conclusion to the Horse Trilogy that started with Seabiscuit and Secretariat. I didn't see it, but glancing briefly at the poster tells me that it's about a horse that falls in love with a boy and then single-hoofedly wins WWI.
The Artist: I saved this one for last because this is the one I think will take the prize. And it deserves to. It's simple and beautiful, and like Hugo it celebrates cinema's past. Plus, it was downright ballsy to make a silent film, and I love that they took that kind of risk.
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