Long ago humans desired sweets and an excuse to consume sweets at any opportunity. Great minds came together and the cake was created. Any and all celebrations were instantly enhanced.
Later as the popularity of cakes grew the ease of personal cake transport became a concern. While a slice of cake was nice, a miniature version would be easier to consume on the go. Soon the cupcake made shockwaves of joy around the world.
The popularity of the cake held strong for ages, but then some jackass decided he could get away with selling a single bite of cake and created Cake Pops: a frustrating amount of cake at an inexcusably high price sold on a stupid stick. Ugh.
Society pulled its hair out in anguish at this cake farce. "What's next", they demanded to know while flipping cop cars over in the street, "are you going to sell plastic spoons with a tiny bit of pie and call them 'Spoon Pies' and sell them for $2.50 a piece?"
"I don't know," replied the Council of Baked Goods, "Would people buy that?"
"Probably!" screamed Society. "I'm sure if you sell them in stupid boutiques and coffee shops some idiots would buy them. All you need to do is slap the word 'gourmet' on it."
"Hmmm, good thinking." The High Elder nodded in approval.
"NO! Don't actually do that. We're being sarcastic!" Society crumpled to the ground in tears. A nearby convenience store in flames began to collapse.
"The Council has spoken!" The booming voice of the Grand Cake Pope echoed across the land. "From now on all baked sweets must be sold in portions no greater than my thumb. Preferably on a stick, or served in a thimble."
Later that week all the remaining full sized cakes were confiscated and divided up into millions of portions. Darkness fell across the land and somewhere a baker cried into his apron. Mini-Cake Pops were created, then the Micro-Danish, and later Banana Bread Crumb-ettes.
Soon obesity and many of the health conditions caused by excess weight disappeared entirely. Everyone was healthy and thin, but depressed because they were completely broke from buying a tenth of an ounce of fudge.
Society spent the last of their resources to build giant rocket ships and flee Earth, roaming the cosmos in search of more reasonably sized desserts. The Council Elders sat glumly on their piles of gold, alone with their greed on a joyless planet. A few months later the Earth exploded because it was really sad.
The End
Happy Friday, everyone! Have some goddamn cake.
No comments:
Post a Comment