January 24, 2014

Canada's Worst Export

Breaking news, people. Put down the ice cream and pay attention. I hope you're sitting down, or at least leaning against something sturdy. Yes, the refrigerator will do. Again, please put down the ice cream. Okay... Justin Bieber has been arrested.

Okay, calm down, calm down. He's already been released on bail, but that doesn't change the fact that he was arrested for a DUI and it's probably because he's a cocky, reckless shithead. I'm upset too. I'm happy when a Canadian achieves worldwide success, but I'm sad when they turn out to be a complete tool. Belieb me when I say, Justin is a world class tool, and we can only apologize so much.

When he's not busy on stage performing bad songs via mediocre singing and dancing, Justin enjoys abandoning pet monkeys in Europe, or spitting on his fans from a balcony. He's also keen on injuring people with his car, urinating on camera, getting busted for possession, and visiting brothels in South America. He's the world's busiest douchebag.

Earlier this month Beiber egged his neighbour's house and apparently did thousands of dollars worth of damage. Thousands? Was he using a catapult to hurl ostrich eggs, or was he wielding some rapid fire quail egg gatling gun?

Soon after this childish attack the police searched his home for evidence of the vandalism. Did they stumble upon hundreds and hundreds of egg cartons with incriminating fingerprints? No. Unless he was cracking eggs into his hands, pocketing the shells, and throwing raw goo, all the evidence was left at the scene of the attack. You see? It's the perfect crime. You're a sly one, Bieber. And watch out Los Angeles Sheriff's Department, you may be in for the teepee-ing of a lifetime.

With all his bullshit, I don't blame Americans for wanting to deport him. But do you honestly think Canada wants him back either? Can't we find a happy compromise and banish him to the ocean or something? Just let him float through the icy expanse like some lonely Beiberg? Yeah. I like the sound of that.

Enjoy the North Atlantic, Justin. Hope you packed more than just a goofy hat and a wife-beater. Remember, you can't survive on swag alone.

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