Beat the Heat

As the summer heat begins cooking us alive I thought I'd share my tried and true techniques for beating the heat. Results may vary!

- Buy a popsicle. Break it in two and put them under your armpits.

- Spoon an electric fan during the night. If you don't have a fan, spoon a pile of cold spoons.

- Every time you get something from the fridge, accidentally drop your keys and climb inside for a few minutes to look for them.

- Wear a bathrobe that's been soaked in cool water. Or if you don't have a bathrobe, use a bunch of damp towels sewn together.

- Buy a life sized ice sculpture of a horse and then sit on it until it melts in half, then spend of the rest of the day throwing a sno-cone party.

-Eat an ice cream cone every hour on the hour until you are rushed to the hospital. As we all know, hospitals have air conditioning.

- At all costs avoid moving around and doing stuff. Cancel all plans with friends and family until the fall. Meeting people just means you have to put your clothes on and get out of that wading pool.

March Music (Parody) Madness: Clock Fetish

And so we have arrived at the end of the month and the third and final part of my parody shin dig. Today's song is a parody of "Tik-tok" by Ke$ha, the only singer I know whose voice sounds slutty, drunk, and robotic ... all at the same time.

Anyway, hope you enjoy it. It's about to get sexy up in here.

Clock Fetish

Wake up in the morning feeling quite run down,
Need a fix, of that which ticks, with a metered sound.
Walk the walk, grandfather clock, cause I sure love a chimer,
Cause you know, I can't get off, with just any egg timer.

I'm talking timing shit on our phones, phones
Trying out all time zones, zones.
Boys get your metronomes, nomes.

Daylight savings gets me all sweaty,
Do you like your time military?
I'll wrist your watch if you let me.

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

I'm counting seconds, minutes, hours, and the days of the year
Put your watch in my pocket, and then go oil my gears
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they think they have style,
But we kick em to the curb unless they have a sundial.

I'm talking everybody fitting cogs, cogs
an hourglass that unclogs, clogs
But I won't do analog-log

I love the pendulum how it swings, swings
watch it break our springs, springs
gonna break our springs, springs,
Buh-buh break us...

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

You wind me up,
and I slide down,
Just like Doc Brown,
from that tower.

When my time's up
I might erupt
I love that sound
Yeah, you got me

The mouse ran up,
and I go down
the clock strikes one,
and you got me

The mouse ran up,
and your time's up,
and your time's up,

Now, the party don't start without "Big Ben"

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

March Music (Parody) Madness: We Didn't Start The Console

Time to kick off part two of my parody extravaganza. I know extravaganza is a bit of stretch to describe blogging lyrics, but go with me on this and it'll be over soon.

Today's parody is of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire". It's a chronological journey through gaming history. Enjoy.

We Didn't Start The Console

Asteroids, Space Invaders, Pitfall, Dragon's Lair

Breakout, Gauntlet, Super Off Road

Centipede, Adventure, Golden Axe, Defender

Frogger, Digdug, Kaboom and Battlezone

Marble Madness, Burgertime, Q-bert, Frontline

Contra, Dragon Warrior, and Missile Command

After Burner, Joust, Pong, Moon Patrol, Donkey Kong

Warlords, Galaga, and Mrs. Pacman

Chorus:

We didn't start the console,

It was always playing

Since the 1980's

We didn't start the console

No we didn't make it

But we loved to take it

Ninja Gaiden, Arkanoid, Adventure Island, Metroid

Double Dribble, Bubble Bobble, Castlevania

River City Ransom, Punch Out, Double Dragon

Kirby, Duck Hunt, Turtles Mania

Mario, Luigi, Revenge of Shinobi

Ghosts and Goblins, Blades of Steel, Shinning Force and Metal Gear

Sonic, Kid Icarus, Megaman, Tetris

Excitebike... played all night, blowin' on the cartridge!

(Chorus)

Chrono Trigger, Final Fight, Starfox flying was a sight

Donkey Kong Country, Dark World in Zelda 3

Earthbound, Bomberman, Yoshi has an Island

A slue of 2D RPGs, like epic Final Fantasy

F-Zero was a blur, Lunar, Soul Calibur

Mortal Kombat, Contra's War, Shenmue and Lufia

Wolfenstein, Joe & Mac, Lost Vikings, Flashback

Street Fighter Alpha, Secret of Mana

(Chorus)

Xenogears, Chrono Cross, Cloud, Aerith, Sephiroth

Tomb Raider, Wild Arms, Marvel Vs. Capcom

Resident Evil's Veronica, Symphony in Castlevania

Goldeneye, Perfect Dark, Blood Omen, Tony Hawk

Vagrant Story, Bust a Groove, Tekken, Crash Bandicoot

Conker's Bad Fur Day, what else do I have to play?

(Chorus)

Fatal Frame, Silent Hill, Eternal Darkness, Splinter Cell

Ico, Halo, Grim Fandago

Twisted Metal, Gran Turismo, DDR, Guitar Hero

Devil May Cry, Metroid Prime, Metal Slug, Dead or Alive

Syphon Filter, Pokemon, Onimusha, Kingdom Hearts

Wind Waker, Smash Brothers, Oddworld, Prince of Persia

Katamari Damancy, Snake and Sons of Liberty

Grand Theft Auto, God of War, Holy shit they're making more!

Clean Up On Aisle 300

This marks the 300th post on this blog and I couldn't be happier. Not just because I feel like the proud father of 300 unusual children, but also because I'm pretty sure blogging really starts to become profitable after 300 posts ... right?

To commemorate the occasion I'll be spending the weekend reenacting scenes from the movie "300". You know, yelling while showing every tooth in my head, impaling foes in slow motion, kicking people down bottomless pits of despair.

Speaking of bottomless pits of despair, I went to Wal-Mart today. What is it about that store that leaves you tired and sick if you spend more that a minute inside? I think they must pump chemicals into the store's air system to make people feel hopeless just so they buy more stuff. "I feel like crap and the world sucks. I might as well buy these cupcakes and a TV. That'll make me feel better."

Also, a child become lost when I was there and they kept announcing it over the PA system. For some reason they kept calling it "Code Adam". I'm assuming that Adam was the name of a kid they never found, and they use it as a constant reminder of the dangers of operating a store that is larger than some towns.

I think it would be funny to tell the employees there that your child is missing, and when they ask you to describe what he looks like, you tell them that he's 18 years old and wearing a teletubbies shirt, suspenders, and carrying a frying pan. And when they ask you where was the last place you saw him, tell them it was at the beach last summer.

Anyway, enjoy the weekend. I'll be waiting by the mailbox for my blogging cheque.

March Music (Parody) Madness: I Kicked a Squirrel

Over the years I've enjoyed writing in all sorts of creative writing forms, whether it be poetry, short stories, comics, novels, or the occasional list or rant. One thing in particular that I love writing from time to time is a song parody. The urge to do so is usually random and inexplicable, and I'll have the idea for a parody trapped in my head for days until I can finally sort it out and write it down.

So in the next two weeks I thought I'd share three of my more recent attempts at humour via lyrics. The first is a parody of Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl". I've included the video for those of you who may not know how the song goes, or would like to follow along. Enjoy.



I Kicked a Squirrel

It was the day that I got canned,
no proper notice.
She left me for another man,
some guy named Otis.
I pulled in, the driveway,
just saw it on the lawn.
Didn't mean to block my way
caught my attention.

I kicked a squirrel,
and I liked it.
Knocked it to battered squirrel bits.
I kicked a squirrel,
Just to try it.
Crept in and snuck behind it.

It felt so wrong,
It felt so right.
I nailed it's ass and it took flight.

I kicked a squirrel,
And I liked it.
(I liked it)

Sure, now it shouldn't take the blame,
It doesn't matter.
It just felt so good all the same,
To hear the splatter.
Broke two toes, lost my voice,
Put my shoe in a tree.
I spot them, there's one choice,
it's him or me!

I kicked a squirrel,
and I liked it.
Made it a tree rat rocket
I kicked a squirrel,
Just to try it.
I hope my family won't mind it.

It felt so wrong,
It felt so right.
I'm pretty sure that it bounced twice.

I kicked a squirrel,
And I liked it.
(I liked it)

Those squirrels with evil beady eyes,
Soft fur, puffed cheeks, stuffed full of lies,
Trained by satanic Nazi spies,
to steal all our nuts.
It's up to me,
I hate their guts!!

I kicked a squirrel,
and I liked it.
Sick of its stupid squirrel shit.
I kicked a squirrel,
Just to try it.
I hope the neighbors don't find it.

It felt so wrong,
It felt so right.
It hit a beehive and stuck tight.

I kicked a squirrel,
And I liked it.
(I liked it)

Bite-Sized Blogging in Bed

It's March, and you know what that means, right?

Right?

Uh, no. Well, you're close, but I don't have time to let you keep guessing. It's March and that means I've finally moved into my own apartment. It was a long ordeal, but I've finally made it. I've learned that the greatest part about having an apartment (besides being able to walk around naked at all hours), is that I can finally sleep on a bed again. After about 5 months of crashing on the couches of family and friends, I can finally stretch out my legs and not kick a lamp over. I can actually roll over now! Roll over! Without fear of falling through a glass coffee table!

Anyway, that whole "upgrade" has been occupying most of my time. While I haven't found much time for drawing and blogging, I've had time to write short snippets of random crap on Twitter. I'm sorry to say that I've joined that whole "fad". What does that make me now? A tweeter? A twit? A twat? A Cry-For-Helper? For those of you who are interested in following me you can do so here: http://twitter.com/Turnipism .

How awesome are my tweets? Well, it's like a live feed of my thoughts unfiltered. Sort of like this blog but in smaller, more enjoyable portions. It's like a candy funnel of happiness or a laser that shoots orgasms. Also, I use it to announce any new lists that come up on Five-o-rama. So if you want to stay up to date on all that goodness and more, check it out.

Or don't.

Gold, Silver, and Ranch

Boy, what a busy month its been. Between working nearly everyday, apartment hunting, watching the Olympics, and neglecting this blog, I've barely had time to think.

As a person who is athletically retarded, and knows virtually nothing about sports (slam dunk the football and you get a home run, right?) I really love watching the Olympics. I've found that there is a strange vibe to these winter Olympics, and I think we can all admit that things haven't gone as smoothly as we would hope. At this point I'm surprised the Olympic slogan isn't "Vancouver: A Series of Unfortunate Events".

This is a little off topic but why are McDonalds the official restaurant of the Olympics? I mean, hamburgers and fries hardly promote athleticism. Isn't it more suiting if McDonalds were the official restaurant for 'obesity' or 'regret'? Actually, can we even call McDonalds a restaurant? Aren't restaurants supposed to sell things that qualify as food? If you said you took your girlfriend out to a restaurant, I would imagine a place filled with well dressed patrons ordering expensive meals off a leather bound menu and then sipping wine by candlelight. I don't imagine people in sweatpants and crocs ordering off a dollar menu that is bolted to the wall, and then trying to carry a handful of ketchup cups through a crowd of screaming children.

If McDonalds is a restaurant, then I'm an Olympian.

Kodiak Moment

Another Valentine's Day already? That's crazy. Just moments ago it was New Years. I guess I should try updating this blog more than once a month.

In any case, I spent this Valentine's Day the same way I do every year: by watching the Winter Olympics, the Daytona 500, and celebrating Lunar New Year. Same old, same old. Then maybe later I'll put on some romantic music, light the fireplace, chill some wine, and then ... if the mood is juuuuust right ... I'll get chased out of that couple's house and they wont press charges.