Cine-Verse! Rango (2011)

The story of a tiny lost lizard named Rango,

With a sly crooked grin and skin like dried mango.

He wanders into town as a reptilian Django,

And spins a fierce tale like a passionate tango.

The citizens here, well, what can you say?

They're ugly as sin, yet I can't look away.

The water's dried up but they feel they must stay.

So it looks like ol' Rango's gonna have to save the day.

I didn't expect that this film had "the spark".

The humour is strange. The world vivid and dark.

There's mystery, action, and a great story arc.

If you like a good western, this one hits the mark.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round IX

Today's movie challenge is called "Boring Movies". I didn't come up with this one myself, but instead heard it from a friend who had heard it from a friend, so the origins are unknown.

The idea is to describe a movie in a single brief line to make it sound as dull as possible. For example, the description "Girl goes for walk with her dog" could be for The Wizard of Oz. It's fun trying to make the most exciting of movies sound boring as hell. See if you can solve the ones below, and feel free to post your own in the comments.

1) Teenager borrows old man's car.

2) Man delivers package late.

3) Boy spills water on Christmas gift.

4) Homeless artist wins card game.

5) Janitor does some math.

6) Man waits for bus.

7) An animal park doesn't open.

8) Boy skips class to read book.

9) People stand on the roof for a while.

10) Kids walk across yard.

Stumped? Check below.

Cine-Verse! The Towering Inferno (1974)

A building stands tall, reaching out towards space,

With a party on top to laugh in God's face.

Made of glass, and of steel, and lots of cheap wire,

This tower was perfect for catching on fire.

The guest have their shindig and none of them know

That danger is spreading 50 stories below.

McQueen tries to tell them they should all run away

But they'd rather keep hanging with Faye Dunaway.

So they continue their party without so much panic,

Blind to the fact that it's a towering Titanic.

This movie has taught me these things about towers:

They're capable of burning for hours and hours.

Elevators are death traps and we should all fear them,

And stairwells explode whenever you're near them.

Wet towels won't protect you when worn like a hat.

But O.J. Simpson will save you (if you are a small cat).

Rogue Hares

See what I did there?

This is probably a stupid comment, but I've noticed a surprising amount of rabbits this summer. I've seen at least a dozen in the last month, which strikes me as odd since I live downtown and the only animals I'm used to seeing are squirrels, pigeons, and hobos.

When I think of rabbits I think of the woods and grassy fields. I don't think of the city. So I'm surprised to see rabbits hopping along the sidewalks, or chilling in front of Starbucks. Are rabbits the new rat? Because that would be awesome.

I never noticed any rabbits last summer, so I can only assume that this is part of some city-wide initiative in Ottawa to make things more adorable. Did they feed Viagra to a bunch of bunnies and let them loose on Parliament Hill? I'm sure I would have seen something in the paper about that.

Or maybe this is the start of an unstoppable outbreak of rabbits that is quickly getting out of control. Soon they'll be overwhelming the streets, knocking over garbage cans, eating all the flowers, and trampling people to death in the cutest stampede you've ever seen.

In any case I support this development. The only thing I recommend is that we dress them up in waistcoats with pocket watches.

Rogue Hairs

Some people are able to beard (yes, beard is a verb) their way through life successfully, and others need to fight nature and shave themselves constantly until death. I'm part of the second group.

I hate shaving. Not just because it's a tedious chore to maintain my pudgy baby-like visage, but because it usually leaves me bleeding out the face. I've used the 2 blade disposables, the Mach 3's, and the overkill Quattro's. They all achieve equal results with an equal number of accidents.

Years ago I bought an electric razor thinking that it would solve all my problems. I'd watched my father use one, my grandfather use one, so why not me? An easy shaving experience without the bloodbath? Sign me up! Think of all the money I'll save when I don't have to buy shaving foam and replacement blades. Sadly, the razor sucked ass. I used it for a few months before giving up and letting it collect dust in a cabinet.

I received another electric razor as a gift years down the road and decided to give it another go. I figured my facial hair was thicker and more developed for the harsh realities of electric shaving. I was wrong. I was left with the same irritating struggle and soon gave up.

Which brings me to last year. As if some strange amnesia fell upon me, I decided to get ANOTHER electric razor. This time I dropped a fair chunk of change thinking that it would lead to a higher quality product and higher quality results. Well, after using it for many months I've come to the clear conclusion:

Electric razors are bullshit. They are complete garbage and it's always the same goddamn story! I can't completely shave my face. It's like some hairs are invulnerable to it. I can stand there rubbing my face raw for 30 minutes and still have stray untouched hairs sticking out and mocking me. I try everything; approaching from different angles, using different levels of pressure, circular motions, side to side, swiping, stabbing. It's all useless. Sure, I'm not cutting myself, but now it feels like I've been shaving with a dildo made of sandpaper.

And when I do finally finish "shaving" (not because I'm satisfied, but because I've been defeated) I'm left with the farthest thing from a close shave. A 40 cent disposable razor will give me a nice clean shave that'll last, but when I use an electric razor my five o'clock shadow is hours early. It's so much bullshit I'd throw up if wasn't already in agony.

So that's my rant. Electric razor's suck, I hope you never buy one. You're better off shaving with an arrowhead, broken glass, or one of those wind-up chattery teeth toys.

How To Birthday

Today marks the epic global holiday known as my birthday. 28 years ago today the Awesomeness Index read off the charts as I was birthed. Some say that a high frequency electromagnetic concussive blast occurred at the moment I entered this world and that everyone in the hospital suffered injuries from the "shock wave of wicked". The doctor himself was blinded from staring too long into the epicenter of the event. He regrets nothing.

If you wish to celebrate the day in true Shane-like fashion, please follow this traditional 3 step plan:

Step One: Be so awesome it fucking hurts.

Step Two: Shotgun a beer. Then shotgun a birthday cake.

Step Three: Pluck a star from the night sky and feed it to a panther. Then fight the panther to get it back.

Have fun!

Cine-Verse! Love and Other Witch Bureaus

As I try to settle on the most enjoyable way to review films for my blog I've decided on a more creative method: Poetry!

Settle down, settle down! So the basics are the same because I'm still writing about a handful of movies I watched recently for the first time. But this time it's gonna rhyme, dog. Enjoy.

Super 8 (2011)

This is skillful filmmaking; nostalgic and new,

Filled with monsters and mayhem, and mystery too.

The thing that impressed me, 'cause the order was tall,

Was the group of kid actors who don't suck at all

Harry Brown (2009)

An old quiet man loses all he holds dear,

And decides that he's through with living in fear.

The gangs on the street will pay for his pain,

For tonight vengeance goes by the name Michael Caine.

Season of the Witch (2011)

A crusade/buddy film about transporting a witch,

But this witch is a demon, now ain't that a bitch?

Bad lines, lousy fights, two actors who don't care,

And a plot that's thinner than Nic Cage's hair.

Midnight in Paris (2011)

An engaged man in Paris finds his life less sublime,

Goes walking at midnight and travels through time.

He finds the nights brighter, and filled with such folly

With Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Picasso, and Dali.

The Adjustment Bureau (2011)

A ballerina falls for a politician who can be trusted

But it seems that the MAN wants their future adjusted.

Magic doors, magic hats, and men without guns.

Look out, Matt Damon! Grab the fedora and run!

No Strings Attached (2011)

The girl from Black Swan, and the guy who says "dude".

A whole lotta bonin', and not that much nude.

A relationship forms and their lives feel complete

More so than just humping like rabbits in heat.

Love and Other Drugs (2010)

Sex without commitment that leads to true love.

It's the same damn story as the movie above.

It's like No Strings Attached with a bonus of tits,

Or some early version of Friends With Benefits.

Lobster Legs and the Fun Police

When I was out in the hot sun for several hours on Canada Day, I made a crucial mistake. I put sunscreen on my neck, my face, and my arms, ... but not my legs. Why should I bother? I figured my legs are all the way down there, how could the sun's harmful rays possibly reach them? It wasn't until I got home that I realized my legs had been boiled alive.

It's not so bad. I can still do stuff as long as it doesn't involve bending or moving my legs. If anyone needs me this week, I'll be over there, standing in a barrel of aloe.

Here's a picture I done took while I was out slow roasting my calves:

This sign amuses me. Not because it was trying to keep amateur circus acts off a very busy sidewalk, but because the sign shows a slash through a juggling figure, as if it were prohibiting fun itself. I kept hoping I would see some busker nearby being pinned to the ground and handcuffed by two cops, his violin crushed beneath him.

This Canada Day merriment was kept in line. Remember, if you're going to have a good time in Ottawa make sure it's by the books.