From Your Local Hyrulian Deli

Today I was making a sandwich and then instead of doing a boring diagonal or horizontal/vertical cut, I went with something a bit different.

From one sandwich I made I was able to construct a triforce, a heart container and an arrow. As you know (or should know), these are all important items from The Legend of Zelda games. Did doing this complicate the eating of a sandwich? Yes. Did it make the sandwich taste better? I submit that it did.

Maybe I'll see if I can construct more strange food art in the future. But it's going to take lots and lots of delicious research.

Happy New Year, You Filthy Pigs

I'm not calling you fine readers filthy pigs. Not at all. I'm certain each one of you are decent and hygienic people. But as for other people ... egad. What a bunch of disgusting swamp rats.

Why is it that so many people seem incapable of maintaining even basic levels of cleanliness? Doesn't standard bathroom etiquette, as well as plain common sense, tell us that you should wash your hands after you use the toilet? Shouldn't you rinse your key areas before leaving home and putting yourself in close proximity to strangers, friends, and co-workers? Doesn't it mark you as a hateful idiot to throw trash in a drinking fountain, or gum in a urinal?

Every time I use a public washroom I lose a bit more respect for humankind. Just today while I was washing my hands in the bathroom at work, a dude came out of one of the stalls ... and kept on walking out of the washroom without even looking at the soap. That son of bitch, I thought. Even if I wash my hands three times and leave the washroom while carefully avoiding contact with the door handles, there's no way to know what that guy has touched, or will touch, the rest of the day.

You want to know why people get sick? Because all over the world people are taking craps without washing their hands. They touch a chair. You touch a chair. You rub your eyes. Boom! Pink eye.

Also, it's not like I'm a clean freak. I believe you need a little dirt and bacteria in your life to be truly healthy, but there's a limit. Why do I so often walk into bathroom stall and discover that someone had a bad aim? Or that they didn't want to flush the toilet? Or that they decided to drop a whole roll of toilet paper in the bowl? I don't know why! It's completely unnecessary!!

Sadly the filth is hardly restricted to the bathroom. When I was at work I saw something awful. On a table near the window I spied a human nail. Was it a fingernail? I doubt it. This thing had to have been the toenail from the big toe of the dominant foot it was so goddamn big. It was so big and yellow I thought the moon had fallen to earth, and I'm pretty sure two children could have played see-saw on it, and it would have creaked audibly as they did.

Ugh, I think I made myself a little sick.

Tell me I'm the only one who encounters this kind of shit on a regular basis. Please tell me the world is really not filled with such fiends. Because every time I find a wad of wet gum on the underside of desk, I begin to question things. I thought I was working alongside adults with functioning brains, but now I'm not so sure. A public washroom is not a free pass to act like a baboon, and there's no excuse for not taking simple steps to protect the health and comfort of yourself and others.

It's the new year. One more chance to clean up your act.

Adventures in Paper: Like Mathematic Snowflakes Part One

It's been a while since I posted something about my fold-stuffs. Lately I've been focusing on tessellations and using square, rectangular, and hexagonal sheets of paper. Here are some of my earlier attempts:

Often the starting point for any tessellation pattern is by creasing a piece of paper into a grid of triangles and then working them from there. The sheets of paper above and below both started with the same folds and then took on completely different forms.

This one is different from the others because it's more of a 3 dimensional model that doesn't lie flat. But like all tessellations it's made of a repeating fold pattern. I like this one quite a bit.

Here's one I designed myself by just putting together folding techniques I learned with others. I call it, "The Legend of Star Force Power Squad". No, wait, that's the name for my upcoming Saturday morning cartoon.

An aspect of the tessellations I like is how new patterns emerge when they are backlit, like this one. Often people will fold them with foil or plastic sheets to emphasize this effect. But all I can afford is plain ol' modified printer paper. This one looks like a sea of flux capacitors.

Here's another basic pattern that starts with a hexagon twist. And no, that's not the new dance craze. "Hey, did you see Bobby dislocate his groin when he tried the hexagon twist? It was rad."

Next time I'll unleash a batch of images of more advanced tessellations I'm quite proud of. I soon learned that doubling the folds somehow quadruples the results. I don't know how it works, but I'm pretty sure it's magic.

Secret Santa

You know, I really think that Santa Claus and Superman are the same dude. Honestly, just think about it.

First of all, they both watch over mankind and teach children about good moral behavior. They both love wearing red, have homes established in the far north, and can freaking fly.

But Shane, you say, they look nothing alike. Well, Superman is known for disguises and having an alter ego. Why not have one more? Have you ever seen the two of them in the same place? I didn't think so.

Plus only a man with superhuman strength and speed would be capable of carrying and delivering billions of gifts in one night. And you know how he "sees you when your sleeping" or "knows if you been bad or good"? How else would he know without super hearing and the ability to see through walls?

C'mon people, Kris Kringle is from Krypton!

Holy shit.

Pre-Pre-Christmas Prep

There's snow on the ground and it's beginning to feel like Christmas. You know when it didn't feel like Christmas? The morning after Halloween. But that didn't stop every goddamn store from busting out the holiday decorations and Christmas goods on November 1st. I didn't even have time to blow out the candle on my jack-o-lantern before I was waist deep in colored lights and tinsel.

I love the Mass of Christ as much as the next garland stringin' fool, but I don't need it to last 3 months. It's 12 days of Christmas for a reason.

Speaking of the 12 Days of Christmas, what a lousy song. It's too damn long. How many times have you given up around eight maids a milking because you knew Jingle Bells doesn't require concentration. I'll tell you how many times ... 38. That's a lot. It's like 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall: the Christmas carol.

That is all. Please carry on with your 60+ days of holiday shopping. And to the rest of you, I'll see you at walmart near closing time on Christmas eve.

"Halloween": A Halloween Poem (About Halloween)

On this blessed Halloween,

I pray by amber pumpkin light,

That imps and ghouls and spirits mean,

May all have such a fiendish night.

Even though we all grow older,

Don your hats, capes, mask, and mesh.

Sling your loot over your shoulder;

Bite through candied apple flesh.

Brittle leaves and candle rays-

I grin so widely people fear it.

Though I'm mortal other days,

Tonight I am a wayward spirit.

Happy Halloween to everyone out in Internet Town. I'll see you suckers in stupid November!

Monday Movie Challenge - Round VI

This week's movie challenge is something I'm going to call "Sketch Theatre". It's pretty simple. The four drawings below each represent a movie title. They aren't scenes from the films; instead it's all about showing the title through word play or a literal depiction.

I hope you enjoy, and I would certainly like to dish out more of these on future Mondays if it pleases those playing along.

Don't over think them too much, but if you're stumped, the solutions are a click away below. Don't peak right away, Jesus frowns upon it.

Costumes for Octoberween

As we near the holiest of holidays, I try to get myself in the Halloween mood. At this point in my life I'm too old to go out trick or treating, and I have no children of my own to take out trick or treating (and then take my cut of the candy from), so it's all about watching horror films and/or eating bags of fun-sized candy bars in the dark. No dressing up for this fool.

But for those of you who are still likely to break out a costume, may I suggest some of these new costumes that I feel will soon catch on.